Shirt: Mango
Trousers: Banana Republic
Shoes: Dr Martens
Choker: chokerfreak


life update; im still alive

(warning: very long post)

it's been a while. i guess you wonder where i have been and how im doing, well here it is.

since my last life update things haven't got any better. loneliness, anxiety, stress, depression. i'm just so used to all these shits, which is a better thing. here are some 'highlights' over the past 5 months. 

my laptop and iphone were broken and they died at the same fucking time yay. i'd been saving for 2 years and was planning to replace my 6 year old laptop with a new one so yeah it was about time to do so. but this phone was just 6 months old. the screen suddenly went black when i was on my way back home from school and it wouldnt even turn on. i panicked. i tried everything to fix it myself, but nothing seemed to work. its not about the phone, its about all the data, my messages and 20k photos!!!! i know it was my fault i didnt back up. i was disappointed to know that even the experts, in both here and vietnam (i was back during winter break), couldnt save it. just have to accept the fact that it was officially dead. im actually very frugal irl and i been using a phone for 4 years before this one. and i killed my laptop when i was trying to fix the phone with it lol.

btw going back to vietnam was both the best and the worst decision. i was dying to be back. i missed my mom and our arguments, i missed my friends, i missed hanoi, i missed the authentically vietnamese bear cookies, i missed the good old days, i missed who i used to be, everyday. and i still do. everything was perfect (except for the flight ticket price) and each of 17 days was a happy day. i was so carefree and i was so me. i cant remember the last time i was genuinely happy being in london. again it is not because i dont like london or anything, its just about me being a piece of shit.

i do know i look ugly as fuck when i smile but yeah just to show you how happy i was being here, with my mom and my friends. ahh i just remember this thing. people all noticed that i gained so much weight and just being so wow.

but the only real problem here is that i had to come back. the most serious mental breakdown i ever had, it happened. i was in a fucking terrible mess, in the first 2 weeks after flying back. its like a real slap in the face after a sweet sweet dream. i was haunted by all that negative thoughts in my head. i tried to sleep to make them stop, or simply just to make myself disappear. i counted the days, hours, minutes,... i reached the point where i couldnt even get out of my bed. i was just too tired to do anything. i didnt want to see anyone, or anyone to see me. i skipped a few days of school. i tried to avoid having dinner with the other flatmates. i cried profusely, until i was empty, and numb. i kept thinking about giving up on everything. i thought about death multiple times a day. i just talked to no one.

i have balanced my mind. they are gone now. but not completely.

and recently i have been thinking about myself a lot. i keep asking myself "am i too strange?". i used to be that perky girl who talks a lot and tells dumb jokes. here i always feel nervous and uncomfortable around people. i guess people at school and even my flatmates think i am weird, boring and too quiet. i never tell what i think or how i feel. when people ask me or say something to me, in most situations, i have difficulty coming up with anything besides a one word answer. i always get self conscious and make things weird altogether. i feel like every single thing i say is stupid, or just so wrong. for example, when i say things the other girls often ignore my comment or just look at me funny, or even roll their eyes at each other. this always happens when we have dinner at home. they dont take me seriously. so i started trying to stay as quiet as possible at home. im always hesitant and hold myself back from saying anything that popped into my mind or going to talk to someone. and if i decide to say it, its just too late.

i think i feel comfortable only with people whom i already know or if that new person really makes an effort to interact with me nicely. should i worry about this?

this is also the reason why i dont have friends. i find myself always being alone and doing everything with nobody. but i start feeling so fine with my loneliness. i start talking to myself and i feel better.

this is how i celebrated my birthday this year. it was the first day back to school after half term break. i literally talked to no one on that day. but i did receive messages from friends, even just 4 though (thank you i appreciate each one of you). even my mom forgot my birthday she was too busy lol. i walked back home and bought myself a red velvet cupcake and candles. i spent the whole night watching movies, as usual. yay

lately ive been losing my motivation and interest in studying and making art. my marks of course have dropped and this should bother me because i used to be such a perfectionist. but now i just dont care. not only studying, i dont feel like doing anything. i used to go to the wardrobe, mix everything up, style and challenge myself when im bored. now i dont, i lie in my bed all day. you see that, i stopped blogging and outfit posts for 5 months, and i dont post photos on instagram or any other social media that often anymore.

i need to refresh myself.

i guess you guys are so sick and tired of me talking about bad things and complaining. but there is good news. i got my conditional offer from UAL (LCF)!!! i also applied for CSM but then i missed the interview with them because i was too stressed and i couldnt do it. feeling really bad about this.

but heyyyy im back and i want to do something new for you guys. what more do you want to see from my blog or any ideas? how about me making videos and a youtube channel? and should i blog in both english and vietnamese, as half of my readers are vietnamese haha